today marks the three year anniversary same-sex marriage was legalized nation-wide. however, today also marks the horrendous decision by the united states supreme court with trump’s travel ban, an exclusionary act that follows what we have done in the past with ethnicities like the japanese or chinese. it’s disgusting to see history to repeat itself under a homophobic, xenophobic, misogynistic, racist agenda under a matching president. the justice who determined this should not even be in the court, obama was legally allowed to appoint someone after scalia and the republicans boxed him out intentionally, leaving us with justice trump chose, which he can go fuck himself.
trump also can go fuck himself. fuck you.
day 8: share something you struggle with.
i think i’ll be blunt to start: i find it very hard to be emotionally open with other people.
to present my feelings in a broadcast, to even one person, proves difficult as i fear that they will get bored and change the channel, turn it off, or leave a bad review. without metaphor, i don’t like being open because i feel that once i’m open people won’t care, won’t listen, or use it against me. openness scares me because you never know what people might do. you tell them something like, “i like someone.” (something little) and you tell them not to tell anyone, and before you know it, it’s being used as leverage or the whole school knows which is humiliating and disappointing.
it gets even worse if i like someone or try to meet someone new because that becomes a wreck. i get super nervous, i clam up, i shut down, and then i’m just absorbing information but not sharing any of my own because i’m scared, once again, that they won’t like me, care about me, or consider my feelings.
think “when he sees me” from the musical, waitress.
one of my favorite characters (and one of the most relatable characters for me in musical theater) dawn, hesitates to put herself out there because she fears change and rejection. though with her “shell-shaped mind” to protect herself from the possible pains and sorrows opening up can give, she sings on how she prefers logic to her own emotions and on how debilitating and anxiety-inducing it can be for someone who is scared and introverted to deal with those fears. she still ponders on what would she do if she did find the someone she’s looking for who won’t run from her and that “when he sees me, he wants to again!” i noticed in a thread that this musical has the problem of the main characters being afraid to go after what they want, which is very true.
i have so many thoughts in my head.
i have so many thoughts on the universe, i have so many thoughts on the idea of religion, i have so many thoughts on politics, i have so many thoughts on humanity, the human condition, and morality, on music, on literature, on art, on myself, on others, on behaviors, on the gaps between our fingers to on the ability to have thoughts at all.
i would love to share them all with someone who cares, or thinks, or shares like i do. maybe someday. yet, i feel like no one will care and i’ll be forced to bottle up again in the pain of the rejection of my peers and loves.
i’ve been told as of recently that me bottling up my feelings and isolating myself will actually make me go insane. that’s why i came back to blogging, but also made a private snap chat story of the people i hope i can trust more than anything. you guys are amazing, but if i told people i know irl, i feel as if it would help more because i would know someone is there at home when i need them.
on the aforementioned snapchat story, i shared the story of arco, without using his name unless someone asked. i was really scared of how people would react, and for some reason a lot of people thought that it was about the guy i like now just because i knew both arco and, let’s call him, harrington for the same amount of time, the same level of deep friendship, but the difference between harrington and arco is that he would never actually do the emotionally taxing and abusive things arco did.
that’s the vodka-infused tea; i don’t make the rules.
(and every time i look back on those wasted years, i wonder what would have happened if i pursued harrington instead of arco, and it makes want to kms because in me, i knew i liked harrington more than arco and that he was in retrospect, a better person, and i still put myself through an emotional hell.)
yet, people were sweet and kind, and some didn’t even ask about who did it because they would rather not know. i didn’t really expect that overwhelming kindness as a result, i thought people would like shame me, but no. it felt really good to get the one burden on my life out in the open.
if you don’t know the story, i’m going to tell it in another post because most of you probably haven’t known me that long to actually be there on that emotional rollercoaster with me and this post is getting pretty long as is.
i really wanted to post every day this month, but i had driving school and practice, and then i got a temporary job tutoring kids until the bakery opens in july, i just got really busy. i’m proud for posting much at all though lmao.
from a politically pissed off teen with plenty of opinions,
float in the cyberspace.