30 New Year’s Resolutions

2018 is a matter of time away, and this year has felt like a day yet the day has felt like a year. It’s kind of weird, isn’t it? I’ve kind of been reviewing my year and there are some steps I need to take next year if I want to find myself and be a better friend, student, family member, person.

With that being said, here’s my New Year’s Resolution List. (Plus, I think writing New Year’s Resolutions is therapeutic.)

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  1. Learn a new instrument.
  2. Try something you are scared to do.
  3. Read at least 50 books out of leisure.
  4. Go to a concert.
  5. Take time for yourself when needed.
  6. Exercise more.
  7. Write more poetry, short stories, songs, etc.
  8. Blog more.
  9. Be little more confident.
  10. Explore more genres of music.
  11. Improve your style tendencies?
  12. Improve driving skills.
  13. Stop studying on your bed because it makes you fall asleep.
  14. See a few plays and musicals.
  15. Reach out to old friends.
  16. Develop a new skill.
  17. Stop procrastinating so much.
  18. Find more volunteering opportunities.
  19. Find yourself and be happier. (lmao still a trash can)
  20. STOP ASKING WHY, WHY WE HAD TO WASTE SO MUCH TIME (basically stop holding grudges (it’s a Paramore reference))
  21. Be better at organizing.
  22. Take breaks from social media.
  23. Get a job.
  24. Be more self-reliant.
  25. Look into what you really want to do with your life.
  26. Meditate more.
  27. Don’t overexert yourself.
  28. Try going to community events.
  29. Go see a few movies.
  30. Go out for a day in the city.

Have a Happy New Year everyone!

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peer pressure is a bitch

(DISCLAIMER: IF YOU ARE SENSITIVE OR DO NOT LIKE TO TOPICS THAT INCLUDE ACTIVITY SUCH AS TEEN DRINKING OR DRUGS, PLEASE DO NOT READ THIS POST. IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO READ THIS POST BEFORE I TALK ABOUT SAID TOPICS, I WILL PUT A DIVIDER BEFORE I START. I DO NOT PARTAKE IN ANY OF THESE ACTIVITIES, BUT RATHER I WILL TALK ABOUT THEM. thank you.)

okay, I was going to post a nice school semester in review considering I got out two days ago, but I have had something on my mind for these past two months. I can’t tell anyone else because they are kind of contributing to what’s bothering me.

I have a hard time saying no to people in general. as long as it doesn’t break my limit, I usually say yes. the problem is, I no longer know where my limit is. once, I did know and that was probably two years ago. but even then, at least last year I could say no. the last part of this year I feel like I’ve doing just everything I’ve been asked to do and it’s personally scaring me.

the reason I’ve been citing these last two months is that within these last two months i have been out of the house with friends for AT THE VERY LEAST 28/42 days. that might not sound like a lot to you or maybe that’s overwhelming to you, I don’t know. however, i am an introvert and this has been mentally DRAINING me. there’s only so much social interaction i can handle within a period of time and I exceeded that number well into November. it’s like after the time I turned 16, everything has gone into hyperdrive and I don’t know how to stop any of it.

my parents, who usually don’t even care about most of my life, have been noticing this too and even they are getting concerned about how often I’ve been out of the house. you might be thinking, well, why don’t you say no? I even ask myself, why can’t I say no?

I think it’s rooted in my deep fear of rejection. I am scared of being rejected and scared of being the rejecter. rejection to me is so hurtful like I think about rejection and I think about a deep shame and disappointment in myself and in others. I hate letting people down, which is why I’ve always been kind of a pushover. I’ve just associated words like no and stuff like that with devastation and the link is so strong, I don’t know if I can disconnect it. I hate how I can’t change this because if I start now, it would seem like a 180 personality shift to so many people and I think it’s probably too late.

this fear has been the reason behind things like me hardly saying no, staying up when I don’t really want to, going out when I don’t want to, speaking to people when I don’t want to, never acting on any feelings with anyone because I am hella scared, never acting on things I might want to do because I think I might be rejected from trying it. I know rejection makes people stronger but for me, in the times I didn’t get into something, I would feel absolutely destroyed. I don’t want that feeling on anyone whether or not people feel the same I do when it comes to things like this.

it’s also why i am so prone to peer pressure. when i was significantly younger and adults would talk to us about peer pressure, i used to think, “that could never happen to me.” i thought the idea of peer pressure was so out there like, how could you do something for the sole reason being that everyone else is doing it? i used to think it was being gullible and now that i’ve grown up, that simply is not the case at all. it’s a mix of hormones, growing up, wanting to fit in, not to stand out, feeling bad because you’re not doing things that others want you to, “everyone else is doing it so how bad could it possibly be.” peer pressure does not equal being gullible. it just isn’t and it’s unfair to people to just generalize it as such because so much goes into it. i have not acted on peer pressure yet, but i feel dangerously close to.

during finals, we get out of school like 3 hours because we only have 2 periods per day for 2 hours so we can take our finals. so i went out with Poppy, Willow, Amaryllis, Forest, and Maple to our local Publix, a grocery store, to grab some food and then we went to the park. while we were at the park, we had gone to the top of the slide and started talking about life experiences and things that we want to try later on in life. (topics start now)

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naturally, as 16 year olds, the conversation started turning into more controversial things. as they were talking, i started getting quieter because i could not relate as much or i wasn’t as comfortable. like some of my friends drink, like underage drinking because their parents or older siblings let them. it doesn’t change who they are, and they don’t do it that often, but i couldn’t especially not while it’s illegal. if you do, i have nothing against you, it’s just that i’ve never liked the idea of drinking and i’ve seen it ruin people and since i stem from a religious family who does not, i would have a low alcohol tolerance. i think that’s how that works, i’m not sure. i am not religious in any sense of the word so when i say i don’t like drinking, i get hella interrogated. i don’t even think i would want to try it, i don’t like not having control of my mind and my actions. plus, i’m still growing up, i don’t want to fuck up whatever developmental things are going on. one of my friends, whenever i say i don’t like drinking, i think she thinks i’m judging her which is not the case but i know she thinks i’m totally judging her.

and with drinking, what else came into the conversation? drugs. i come from a state that has a very big problem with heroin and other drugs, especially in our capital so you know, in our curriculum we have been shoved down our throats how awful drugs are. I personally hate most drugs out there. the only one i have the least grievances with is marijuana because I really don’t care about it all. it’s basically harmless compared to anything else you could do other than not smoke it. plus, it has medical uses. I’ve never done it, however, i know people who have. to me, it’s like what is it going to do? i don’t plan on it either because it’s like why do it? i mean, i hear the experience is crazy and you know, curious minds wander, but i just could not bring myself to do it.

i began to feel stressed out as they were talking about drugs before they all agreed that they would never do any drugs other than weed or smoke. which… it’s not the best, but i just want them safe and not ruining their lives.

the second day of finals, Forest almost asked his older brother for weed to smoke before he says that he hopes everyone was joking about actually doing any of it. which relieves me but i feel like some of them weren’t joking…

so, this has been a long time coming but before i sat down with myself and wrote this post, my beliefs were going into question. even before the park thing, more people around me are doing things and i find myself thinking, “maybe they’ll like me more if i do this.” or “it can’t be THAT bad.” like my mind was compromising for months now and i realize now that it’s not good.

yesterday, i wasn’t really doing anything, i was just chilling at home. then going through snap, i notice that Aspen, Forest, Poppy and Willow are hanging out at Willow’s house. which is whatever, i haven’t been to Willow’s house in a year despite hanging out all the time. however, i found it strange that she didn’t extend an invitation because she usually would. later, i would find out why as she sends a snap video to me of the four of them just completely plastered, smashed, wasted, drunk.

that video was the first of many, and i don’t think there was any malicious intent behind these videos and i doubt she even remembers sending them, but i felt bad. i felt bad because she felt that she couldn’t invite me, i felt bad that i wasn’t having fun like they seemingly were, i felt bad because i don’t like missing out on things, i felt bad because there was just so many videos, i felt bad because i geniunely enjoy the company of these people and i wasn’t there. and i know this all so shallow, but i could not help it.

so to prevent from a freakout, i went on the treadmill for like 30 minutes to clear my head. afterwards, i decided i needed to get my beliefs in check because if they were becoming this pliable, they aren’t strong enough. i began reading articles and such about peer pressure and in the process, i found a thought catalog article which had a bullet point that i related to so hard at that exact moment. it detailed how the writer noticed how their friend was having so much fun drunk, going to a party, and how left out they felt and how the day basically turned screwy from there, but then they realized that they made their day bad, not the friends.

i started crying. i did not relate to anything more than that at that moment and it was crazy but also relieving. so i took time to rest and chill out, and that was the end of that.

in the same way my mind didn’t change instantly to start bending my belief systems, my mind isn’t going to go back to being the way it was instantly either, it will take time. but you know, if anyone gives me a hard time about not liking something like this again, they can deal with it. this is the way i am choosing to lead my life and it’s about time i got it back together.

this post is kind of scattered, and i don’t think everything i’m saying makes a lot of sense but i had to get it out there. i can’t even definitively say where i am mentally because i feel like i am on the verge of a complete and utter mental breakdown.

that’s what breaks are good for.

i guess we’re partying

Somehow I have had an increase in social interaction over the past few weeks. It’s hella exhausting. As an introvert, I probably shouldn’t be agreeing to too many things, but for some reason, I can’t say no to people which is problematic at best.

The mall was chill. Harmony ended up not being able to go because she was at her mom’s house for Thanksgiving break, so it was Canyon, Willow, Poppy, her boyfriend (we’ll call him Pool), and I. Basically, we wandered around, bought some things, and most of them were shopping for Christmas presents for family, but since we don’t really celebrate Christmas, I had no reason to. Sometimes it would get awkward, because here are three girls who know each other super and then two guys who don’t know each other at all. So when Poppy and Willow would makeup shopping, the guys had no clue what to do and neither did I considering I hardly ever wear makeup. When we went to Forever 21, Willow had tried on a dress and she wanted Canyon’s opinion because she needed a guy’s opinion and didn’t trust Pool. That was also interesting, considering he basically stared at the floor because it’s very provocative dress. Let’s just say, Willow happens to be very blessed. Another instance would be going into Victoria’s Secret… they stood outside for that one.

Pool was very awkward, perhaps even worse than me. However, if I didn’t know anyone there except my new partner, then I guess I’d also be at a loss for words. We did try to incorprate him into our discussions but he would only give us one word answers, which doesn’t help. He also seemed… one dimensional. Whenever he spoke freely, 9/10 times it was soccer related. I don’t do sports, neither does Willow, and Canyon used to play soccer when he was super young, but now his life is theatre. So we didn;t really know wha to make of it. I thought that maybe he is a fine arts person because most iof my friends are in the fine arts and I then to find those people more interesting than people who don’t. But it wasn’t, I know it wasn’t because Willow and Canyon  felt the same way. Willow, in fact, doesn’t even like him, while Canyon and I were more neutral. We get it, but he should have tried more. I feel bad because Poppy really wanted us to like him.

Last Saturday, I went to Daffodil’s sweet sixteen. It was around 15 people so quaint and relaxing considering it was a bonfire in her backyard. There were I haven’t seen in a while and people I didn’t know before that I really got to know after this party. We were just talking for the most part before we started playing games like Cards Against Humanity and Twister. In case, you don’t really know, the point of Cards Against Humanity is to be offensive. However, since many people at that party were innocent/easily offended, the game wasn’t really as fun as it could have been.

People were really doing own thing, Daffodil and her freshman friend from another school were all musicals after the rest of us got tired, Aria, Jasper, and Aspen were trolling people on Hot or Not, Harmony and Canyon were just all types of PDA while Angelonia was just kind of third wheeling, Pearl, Topaz, Amethyst, Snowbelle, and Bear were all just talking and I was just all over the place.

I love Harmony and Canyon both, but when I say I was sick of the PDA, I was sick of it. This isn’t even out of jealousy, it’s people to break them up or yell at them because they were staring each other’s eyes for too long. I was over it by the time Cards Against Humanity was done. Daffodil and her friend seemed to be getting on too, but I couldn’t assume because, at the time, I didn’t know Daffodil’s sexuality. The rest of us were single as hell.

While the party was winding down, I began spending more time with Aspen. I knew him through mutual friends, he’s in the school orchestra but at a higher level than me because I didn’t audition for Philharmonic or Chamber last year (god, i wish i did). Anyway, i first hung out with him at Aria’s birthday party but I didn’t stay at that party for very long  in the first place, so I didn;t really get to know him. I thought he was a very quiet and innocent guy, honestly. At this party, however, we were there until midnight so we spoke. When I said we spoke, I mean we spoke A LOT. And if that wasn’t enough, I ended up staying up on skype with him, Aria, and Jasper until 7 am on Sunday talking about everything.

That was pretty cool, considering I haven’t been on skype and for that long in forever while enjoying myself and I think I might like him… I DON’T KNOW.

In one night, we just kind of clicked? i need a break from my feelings honestly because while i’m over Canyon for the most part, again, i don’t know if i’m really to open myself up to someone.

I feel like everything is so intense and I like this weekend because a) it’s SNOWING IN GEORGIA HOLY SHIT and b) I’m taking time to myself and it’s what I really need right now.

anyone can see that i’ve had too much to dream

two days ago for the day after my birthday, i decided to go out to Six Flags after my Quiz Bowl Tournament with some friends. granted, a lot of the original people invited canceled on me about last minute, but it somewhat worked out perfectly because we could take everyone in one car. one would think i would be super sad, but considering what a long day it ended up being and the fact that i’ve grown to appreciate small numbers, i think i was fine.

the group ended up being Poppy, Willow, Canyon, Arch and I; four girls, one guy, especially with Harmony not being there. I feel like I should make this clear that I didn’t simply just not invite Harmony for the sake of hanging out with Canyon without her in the picture, I asked if she was available on the 18th and she had never officially gotten back to me. So you know, I’m not purposefully being bitchy by like trying to sabotage anything.

anyway, after finally finding our way to the park after a stressful and confusing drive, it was time to just hang and have fun. the park was “decked” out in christmas stuff even though thanksgiving hasn’t even passed yet, and had a lot of dark neon themes reminding me of a Riverdale-like theme?

basically being there was six hours of fear, soda, tears, laughter and just bonding, really. basic teenager stuff, i suppose.

there’s this study that says you’re more attracted to someone when you’ve been in a situation perceived as dangerous or on a roller coaster due to the adrenaline rush and hormones going haywire. i don’t know if this was in my subconscious or i actually felt this but, you can probably guess what i’m going to say because i’m predictable. after getting off roller coasters, laughing/crying with him, looking like total wrecks, and then being surrounded by people who came with their significant others, my heartstrings were being to pulled to the point of almost snapping.

i found myself occasionally wishing that it was a date of sorts, but i kept those away because i need to make emotional boundaries.

after dropping off everyone, i had asked my mother what she thought of my friend to which she replies that they were nice and kind kids. she then proceeded to ask me why i had invited only one guy and that guy being Canyon. another thing I should make clear, i had invited just enough guys not put my mother on high alert, but not to seem like i don’t associate with the opposite gender. the ratio had to be just right, yet in the end every guy i had invited couldn’t go except for Canyon.

anyway, she asks afterwards who Canyon is to me. i give her a standard reply that i would give anyone else as my parents and i aren’t that close to start with and they know almost nothing about my school life.

but I seriously started thinking about what he means to me and who exactly he is to me. is he a passing fantasy? a best friend? just the boyfriend of one of my closest friend? an almost lover?

he’s invited me to go with Poppy, Willow and some other people, most likely no doubt Harmony to the mall on tuesday. since it was in the car and i had no time to think about what would/could happen to my feelings or anything else, i blindly said yes.

i need to listen to Melodrama to think about all of this. the album is so relatable that i feel the breakup with a boyfriend i’ve never had. or maybe that breakup in my mind is the breakup with an idea of love.

some of us have to grow up sometimes

I am turning 16 in a matter of hours. At this point, I thought I’d have a better attitude about life but I don’t really. It doesn’t even feel like I’m turning the age that we as a western society blow up. In fact, until September I don’t believe I grew as a person. Maybe because I got more into philosophy or I sought to finally get my life back on track (if it was in the first place). Who knows at this point.

I’m scared. I’m afraid of what comes next because, in two years, I’ll be on my own. I am afraid of what my peers could do. Everyone knows that Junior year is a tragedy in itself and drama only grows over time. I’ll be driving. That also makes me feel liberated but scared. I’m scared that I’ll never feel as good as I do now, and I don’t even feel that great at this moment. Why is it for four years of your life it seems as if the sky might fall?

I think a junior might have a crush on me. Piecing this together stems from him always being around (in a non-creepy way), trying to make me laugh or impress me. At least that’s how I interpret it, but you all just know HOW good at reading signals, right? *laughs then cries* Which is actually pretty sweet and harmless to me.

It’s kind of an honor someone older than me has feelings for me, I suppose. However, I’m still not sure I’m in an okay mindspace for anything, considering I don’t think I’ll ever be over Canyon. At least for awhile. He was and is the epitome of everything I genuinely wanted in a someone to love and grow with and to see a fantasy in reality still pass you by is destructive in a sense. In addition to that, he is so unique and opened me up to new things and… it just still hurts when even though I’ve healed some.

I don’t know what I’ll do about the junior though. If he does like me, I would hate to lead him on because I think that’s pretty sucky to do to someone. But I’m not 100% against the idea. I just need time.

Time to learn, grow, love, progress, and live…

I guess that’s what growing up is for.

eyes have never hurt me until yours

so, I don’t think I can explain my feelings better than in metaphor. I’d like to pride myself of my poetic tendencies and if I try to explain this in a straightforward way, it might get jumbled.

it’s like a phone call. you excitedly call someone and you want to tell them everything. you’re reluctant, but, eventually, you start little by little. now imagine the pain that while you felt your heart pour out, the person you were speaking was distracted by something or that the call never went through in the first place, but you thought they were there until the realization is made. a ghost connection if you will.

I like to look at my life as if it was a book still being written. that includes searching for meaning and metaphors even if there’s none to seen and it’s literally how life was going.

on Monday, we had a student council activity where everyone had to get in a circle around the room and turn toward the wall. whenever the activity leader said something we related to, we were to turn around until the next phrase. canyon and I were on directly opposite sides of the room, which meant anytime we would turn around at the same time, we would be facing each other. that happened quite a lot and the ideas of a ghost connection kept swimming in my head.

my friend, let’s call her Poppy, and I have a running inside joke about me being a raging homosexual because when I was in the 7th and 8th grade, everyone just collectively agreed that I was a lesbian and better yet, in a lesbian relationship with my best friend who we’ll call Lily. the point of me telling you this because we started doubling over laughing about it on Tuesday at lunch and somehow something got lost in translation when I was trying to explain over be laughing because the next day when I said, “Why did everyone just assume I was lesbian?” canyon thought I was a lesbian (which there is nothing wrong with that if you are) before I had to re-explain with a clear voice that I was not. so you know, I don’t know if that anything to do with anything?

and today was so weird or at least concerning. i was just standing around after lunch, waiting for my 4th period teacher to return so we could get back to class. so canyon was speaking  to our mutual friend, let’s call her Quartz, and she said, “just confront her.” I was previously staring at the ground, but then looking up, he was staring at me and then we held eye contact for what felt like a long time before I start mumbling to myself while walking into the room.

I kind of wanted to cry. I was mourning a connection that had become connection or something that I wish was stronger. Quartz’s words are still stuck in my mind; I don’t know what they mean. I would assume but at this point, there’s no assuming with canyon.

a little note here (if you don’t follow me on twitter, you should), but I’m doing NaNoWriMo. It’s about an idea I’ve been running through my mind and this month (my birth month) is giving me the motivation to write. Honestly, since this school year started, I’ve just wanted to return to writing.

these are what you call hard feelings

Like many stories start, I really liked this guy. Let’s call him Canyon.

“Wow, another teenage ‘heartbreak’, the world needed to hear another one of those.” You might be thinking, and yeah, I won’t disagree with you, but I had to say this somewhere.

Last school year, our school did a Valentine’s Day computer match thing which raised money for the SADD club, I believe. I figured why the hell not, filled out the questionnaire, gave it to my 4th period teacher, and waited until results were in. After the laughter of my friends from who was on my own list, I recognized Canyon’s name, I was aware of his existence but I had never said a word to. I figured, “Hey, you know? All of my friends are like best friends with Canyon, so I should probably try to know who Canyon is, especially if we supposedly had so much in common.”

I didn’t really know to do that because I had no classes with Canyon. One day, I had entered my AP Biology teacher’s classroom earlier so I could get some extra help on topics we were learning.  On my way out to go to 1st period, I noticed that Canyon was sitting with a group of friends (people I knew) with his stuff was unpacked. So I assumed he had this class first period, which turns out he did.

Weird?

Yes, but it wasn’t like I was actively searching for his schedule, I just happened to find out one morning when I needed help. Thus, I came in early for studying with my friends in AP Bio more often, which caught Canyon’s attention and we all started studying and slowly, we began being friends.

I remember this one day vividly. So my friend, let’s start her Harmony, had been talking to the both of us but she had left to do something and it just the two of us. I was staring at my phone, pretending to do something and Canyon was fiddling around his bookbag when he began to sing ‘Take A Break’ from Hamilton and he started Phillip’s rap and I was about to go along when he stopped. Confused, I look up and we’re suddenly making eye contact. One, damn can he sing, Two, he had really captivating eyeballs. By that point, I was gone and I could not even remember it and like, it’s Phillip’s rap, it’s literally everything in ‘Take A Break’.

Realizing just how much our social circles overlapped, we started hanging out with others, which was cool. The more we hung out, the more I learned about him, and you know, the whole guess I like him now shebang. He was different from most guys, in a good way, he’s a great person. Unlike all other guys I’ve liked I really did not want to fuck this friendship/potential relationship up by being stupid or blinding myself to his flaws because we all have them. So I quite of made myself hyperaware of things. I was kind of sad at the end of the year because I was hoping for a class together but I doubted that would happen.

So I was overjoyed when I found out we had the same 4th period/Lunch period, a class together meant more time, more getting to each other, more talking. You know, it was pretty swell for some time consisting of good times like a mini-ukulele musical session he did for me and nice things before late September then came Homecoming and I just wanted to fall apart on the dance floor if my heart hadn’t already.

So Canyon had asked Harmony to homecoming as friends because his mother, who teaches at our school, would not let go of the fact that he wanted to go to homecoming without a date.  They are like best friends anyway, so what could happen? I love how things blow up in my face.

That day was a busy day for me in the first place because I had a competition for Scholar’s Bowl (Jeopardy for Teens which I made it into in like late August) from 8 to 3 plus any hours longer we would have to stay if we made it to playoffs. In addition to that, I forgot I had plans to meet Poppy and Willow at Poppy’s place at like 5 so we could get dinner prior to homecoming. So I was basically on edge. What ended up happening is that our team barely made it to playoffs and then we got obliterated within the first round of playoffs making rank 13, which did not roll over while across the board. But I left at 4 so I got home, got ready as fast I could while still looking good, and high tailed it to Poppy’s.

It was awkward because her date to the dance’s family decided to have some type of reunion at Poppy’s place and Poppy had to take pictures each and every one of them. Cute kind of, but very, very awkward. Dinner was nice, we just went to the same Asian restaurant we went to last year.

As for the dance, I was actually enjoying myself for like half of the dance, but then I hit misery city for the rest of it. My friends went MIA so many times that I was alone and I was growing shaky because the more the dance went on, the more that Canyon and Harmony were acting less as “just friends” and more romantically, and I could tell how this night was going to end. There were some theatre kids singing musicals which was a mental break because my mind started going millions of miles per hour and got overwhelming before I was found.

The last dance is what really caused me to lose it. One, lmao “We Can’t Stop” as an ending slow song?? but I mean emotionally because everyone was dancing with someone and I, like always, was in the middle and alone. So I left discreetly as possible and consumed my sorrows in some good old lemonade and sugar cookies with some tears. And afterward, just you know having to hear “They are so perfect for each other.” over and over really hit several nails in the coffin. It’s because they’re right, it’s the perfect best friends become lovers story where everyone is supposedly satisfied. Supposedly.

It feels like life loves to foreshadow things for me but I never truly pick on them until it happens. Was I aware that Harmony may have cared more for Canyon than she would admit? Yes. Did I think she would act on it? No, because  And because I like linking events that occurred before any of this, I recalled a day back in early freshman year when Harmony said, “You are such an Angelica while I’m an Eliza.”

“Why so?” I asked while observing the unit circle.

“You give up so much for other people, never truly confess your feelings. I am, I’ll admit, naive but I like to believe in the best of people.”

“True.”

“Watch one day, you’re going to really like someone before I do, but then I’m going to realize my feelings for them and probably end up with them while you say nothing and suffer in silence because you love us both. That sounded so depressing, but I guess that’s the Angelica-Eliza story. I hope you don’t suffer in silence.” Harmony said before going back to her assignment.

Look at where I am now. I can’t tell anyone about this, literally anyone I trust (which is dwindling these days) because if I do, they will see it as, “That’s sad…too bad though, and have you tried to do anything to ruin this?” Which I haven’t, as a matter of fact when they told me, I feigned happiness. Didn’t stop edging tears after. If this either got to either of them, they would feel so horrible, especially Harmony, and I don’t need relationship ruiner on the top of the growing pile of mistakes I’ve made. I want them to be happy. If it works out, wonderful. If not, I don’t know what I would do, there would too much swimming in my head.

I realize that in time, I’ll look at this and be so critical of myself in a different perspective (probably you were so melodramatic) but I mean, I’m feeling these feelings right now.

Right now, they just really suck.

(i’ll be writing more journal-like posts because apparently, i’ve been bottling up too much stuff for the longest time).

Why I Want To Have Work Experience 

So as of right now, I will be a sophomore when school resumes and turning 16 this year, which is a pretty big deal. Just saying this now, I’m most likely not having a sweet 16, it doesn’t seem up my alley. Along with driving and relationships (yeah right), another milestone in a teenager’s life is getting their first job. Now you might be thinking, you’re a lazy human being who hardly leaves her house for social interaction, why would you of all people want a job and why can’t you have one?

Well, I’ve spoken to my parents several times before about a job and they just shut me down immediately. They don’t want me having a job until I’m out of college which… doesn’t make any sense to me. And when I tried to get reasons for this belief, they wouldn’t tell me. I’ve basically been put in the dark about this and still want to know why. So I present three reasons as to why I want job experience.

Reason #1: I’m Tired of Begging.

In my household, we don’t get any allowances. We don’t get birthday money, chore money, or anything of the like.

Our uncle used to give me and my siblings like 20 dollars every time he visited from West Virginia but then my parents would take that money and put into their bank accounts. To be fair, the last time he did that, I was like 10. I actually remember I asked for 60 dollars and my parents looked at me like I was being ridiculous, which is right.

Anyway, this means my only source of income would be loose change scattered about the house and that’s when I’m even lucky to find some. That or I could ask my parents for money. The problem is the more I grow up, the more money I need. So I’m always going to ask my parents for money which, at this point, I’m sure we’re both getting irritated by this.

It’s not even like I’m trying to drain them, it’s just what happens. I’d like to just go buy something without constantly going through TSA before I can get it. I called my parents TSA because I could just want to buy a few pens or something basic and then they heavily interrogate my intentions. But let’s be honest, from the minute I open my mouth, the answer is probably no.

By this point, I’m not saying, “Oh, my parents should never pay attention to what I’m buying, I should be reckless and buy whatever the hell I feel like.” No, I just want some economic freedom.

Reason #2: Taste of The Real World

Having a job gives teens one of the passages into adulthood. It teaches you to be a little more self-reliant. Lessons in responsibility can also be learned because after your parents, who’s responsible for your life? You. Or maybe your grandparents, more family. I don’t know, I was trying to sound motivating and I don’t think it worked.

It also helps you build better relations with other people. That would actually benefit my parents because they are tired of me being in the house all the time anyway.  It will also teach me better time management because we all know I need some of that considering the amount times I’ve actually blogged (this is apparently more of an active summer than last year?) this summer.

Networking helps you advance in your future careers (which might be considering my extreme lack of social skills). I’m pretty sure for most jobs after college you need some type of a reference from a former employer. That would be pretty hard if I, you know, never had a job in the first place?

Reason #3: Learning to Manage Money

For the past few years, my middle and high schools have been doing big economic units about budgeting. The classic example for the money you would have had was your allowance, yeah we’ve been through that topic. So I never really could put any of the tips into consideration. The more I manage the money, the more I learn to appreciate the dollar value, which means the less I would be squirreling away money.

Once my mother’s friend bought me a Piggy Bank that was with the Susan G. Komen for the Cure organization. It was made up of three sections: Share, Spend, and Save. If I had understood its value at the time, I would have definitely preserved it because those are is the basic ideals we need to put with money. It was the home of maybe a quarter, 6 nickels, and 12 pennies. Instead, my brother, who already had his own but whatever, totally damaged it when I left it unattended. Keep in mind he literally shatters my sister’s ceramic Piggy Bank years later.

Another point I didn’t think about until doing some research is that I could put my money into my college funds. I don’t know if this is odd but I think I’d be a little prouder of being in college if I knew that my efforts went into funding it.

If I were to get a job, I think I’d like one at like a flower shop, a music or a book store. It would be a job at somewhere that specializes in something I have a genuine interest in and could potentially learn from. Retail seems like lots of headaches, but apparently, you’ll learn a lot of life lessons from it. People say the same about fast food, but I’ve watched quite a number of fast food horror stories so it’s pretty questionable for me.

I have quite a few friends who were Camp Counselors this summer and one of them had very… unique stories about their time there. It was the idea of helping kids was great to them but then when arts and crafts and games come in, it becomes a living hell. Plus, I become busy with school work in the summer so I’m not sure about a summer job.

What about you guys? Do you guys have jobs or want jobs? And if you have had a job, what was your first job like?

Float In The Cyber Space!

Why I Am A Big Fan of Andi Mack

As the title says, we will be talking about the new show on Disney Channel, Andi Mack, and why I am so in love with it. This is an in-depth post so it’s long and there will be a lot of spoilers here as I talk events, so if you don’t want spoilers and want to check it out for yourself, you probably shouldn’t be reading this post.

Created by Terri Minsky (Lizzie McGuire), this show is about Andi Mack, a 13-year old girl and how she goes on a self-discovery trip with her best friends Buffy Driscoll (bold but slightly paranoid), Cyrus Goodman (dependable yet anxious), and her crush, Jonah Beck. Her older sister, Rebecca (Bex) comes home after being gone traveling worldwide and decides to stay around much to the chagrin of her mother, Celia. However, it is revealed that Bex, who Andi has always seen as her older sister, is her mother.

Reason #1: Diversity

The main family is Chinese-American as she has her Chinese grandmother, Celia, her white grandfather, Henry (Ham), her biracial mother, Rebecca (Bex), and her father, Bowie (who is later shown as a character),  is white. It’s really rare to see biracial characters. Asian characters are being AUTHENTICALLY represented by people of that racial background (*cough* white-washing *cough*). There will be a Chinese New Year episode, which will be really cool to see and I just really love how Disney is showing more diverse characters and families like a Latino family in Stuck In The Middle. 

They also address a societal issue among black females and the way they choose to wear their hair as it’s natural or not, as critics go as far as to say that their hair does not fit in with beauty standards. In “It’s Not About You”, Buffy is forced to change how she wears her naturally curly hair by her school’s vice principal because it is “too big” and caused a student to “fail a test”. So she decides to wear it straight, liking it but not without suffering as she burns herself and can’t manage the upkeep. In the end, she decides that she’s going to keep it curly but enjoys what she does with her hair because it’s hers and no one else’s.

Reason #2: LGBTQ+ Representation

Lauren Tom (Celia) confirmed this in this interview (click to check it out).

I didn’t believe Disney would ever have gay main characters this soon because we only had background characters. As of writing this post, Donald Trump has banned transgender soldiers from serving which is completely ridiculous, but that’s a topic for an another post (if I don’t get too mad writing it).

In one scene in the Season 2 sneak peek, Andi, Buffy, and Cyrus are at the Space Otters team party (even though Andi quit the team? but anyway). Jonah is honoring someone for their contributions to the team. If this show was to follow what I’ll consider a “normal” Disney storyline, it would have been Andi. That’s what the teaser prior to the sneak peek implied, ending with Buffy asking if Cyrus likes Andi because of his jealousy. However, this isn’t what happens because he IS jealous but not because of liking her but rather Jonah.

He instead honors Cyrus for being supportive to everyone, just out of his heart and pure goodness (cause he’s a GOOD MAN, get it? god, i’m lame). Then there is a slowed down hug and you can see that Cyrus is very emotional.

Now, you might be thinking, that doesn’t mean anything. BUT (I sound like a conspiracy theorist, oh god), you have to see the facial expressions throughout, especially when he turns around from staring at Jonah in the beginning of the scene.

AND that’s not the first instance that has “implied” that Cyrus has feelings for Jonah. In “Best Surprise Ever”, Amber insists that Jonah likes Andi and claims that if she turns around after walking away from him, then she definitely likes him as more than a friend. Jonah turns around but Andi doesn’t so he pushes past Amber and walks away in the opposite direction. Amber, still watching Andi, finally gets her answer when Andi does turn around. No one sees this but, Cyrus also turns around. Keep in mind it was slowed down, which means emphasis.

THEY DID THAT. YOUR FAVORITE DISNEY SHOW COULD NEVER (I’m sure your favorite Disney show was lovely though). Watching the season again, knowing that Cyrus is gay really does make you see things in a different light like how nervous he always is around Jonah and like Andi, does kind of glorify him. I like how the slightest facial expressions you see on his face with or about Jonah, which you wouldn’t notice unless you were looking for them or really observant, is why I really do think that the actors and the production team do a fantastic job.

Reason #3: The Subtle Moments

The thing about this show is how carefully executed it is. The actors get the characters down to the smallest emotion and the writers don’t really tell you anything because they don’t have to.

They don’t have to have someone mention things like, “Oh, your family is biracial.” It isn’t necessary and normalizes diversity by not emphasizing. Or even other issues and make everything blatantly obvious, like a lot of failing shows unfortunately do.

Something interesting is that there’s a short session (separate from the episode) called Mack Chat, where kids discuss the events, how they liked it and stuff like that. I think it’s cool but, at the same time, I’m not sure some of these kids may understand some of the themes. In fact, there’s a little joke going around Tumblr about the turn around and if/when Cyrus comes out talking about how older audiences understand what’s happening while the Mack Chat would be like, “He turned around for Amber!”

not comparing unacceptance to naivete, because i know that’s the same thing people don’t support characters being gay said despite confirmation

Reason #4: Teen Pregnancy

The main plot of this show is the fact that Bex had Andi when she was a teenager. Her age when having Andi is unknown, but she is believed to be, at the barest minimum, 15. I believe she was 16. It is amazing to see a children’s channel take on something so controversial, as you see all the strict homophobic and/or religious people protesting it saying that Disney should be teaching abstinence or no gays and that this a horrible show. I’m not saying teen pregnancy is a good thing but it is a reality that we have to face and we can’t keep sheltering it or showing it in reality shows that are more for profit than awareness.

Reason #5: Relationship Dynamics (Family and Romance)

a) Amber And Jonah

Amber, Jonah’s ex-girlfriend, is an awful being and not because she’s an enemy of Andi. In a Disney-ified world, we only really see the glamor out of a relationship and breakups are for good reason not because they are problematic. But what if they were?

In the beginning, THE Jonah Beck is referred to as a human sunbeam as he is very sociable, basically unbreakable and unbeatable. However, through the season we see the ugly of a “perfect” relationship and the emotional consequences as Jonah is more depressed by season’s end.

Amber is an emotionally abusive and manipulative girlfriend as she lies against his friends, flirts with other guys, makes him do things for her, and uses her status (being in high school) as “an advantage”. Also, she does not appreciate the things he does for her, makes fun of the things that he enjoys if she doesn’t enjoy them or her friends don’t approve, and uses AMBER Alert to announce her presence (that might not be emotionally abusive but like… ignorant, much?).

Jonah says worrying things as he tries to normalize her behavior. Like this quote alone: “Amber never likes what I give her and she won’t tell me what she wants. It’s like this fun guessing game that I never win… Except it really isn’t fun.”

Thank god, Jonah finally ends things in the finale, but you can tell that won’t be the last of Amber. Also, I’m not discussing the fact that he broke up with her once before and then got back together with her because… just no.

b) Bex and Celia

Ever since Bex returned to the Mack house, there has been turmoil between them. Celia has always been used to being Andi’s mom but then when Bex comes back, she doesn’t want to lose Andi. Plus, Celia and Bex never did get along much as it is seen that Bex prefers her father at some points.

This leads into a fight for power and control over who really knows that’s best for Andi, who takes care of her better, among other things. Nevertheless, Bex still wants for Celia to approve her being back in their lives and what’s trying to do make everything work. One line that really hit me is when Bex was saying that she would live for the day Celia said she was proud of her. They both can be stubborn as none of them wanted to admit they missed the other once Bex moved out of the house. Near the end of the season, you do see their relationship patching up, but something tells me there’s still a lot more healing to do for the both of them.

Adding Andi into this, she believes that both Celia and Bex have a lot to teach her and they don’t have to be at odds with each other to do so as she often tells them to figure out because they are both adults.

c) Andi, Bex, Bowie

Now learning that someone she saw as her sister is her mother was shell-shocking to Andi. It also becomes a conflict because Bex has barely been in Andi’s life due to traveling the world. However, Bex always had her mind as she kept her in the box that served as her diary and sent her scarves from the places she went. That also meant that the transition from sister to mother wasn’t easy, not like it should be. Andi never called Bex mom and was referring to her just as Bex until the 10th episode where it becomes an emotional moment as Bex becomes overjoyed.

A question Andi insisted on because anyone would want to know, is who her father was. Amber even uses this against her at Andi’s party by publicly making a spectacle out of it because she was jealous of the attention Andi was getting from Jonah. Bex hadn’t been ready to tell her until she makes herself reach out to him, deciding that Andi should know who her father is; ready or not.

After Bex contacts him, he comes to the Mack house and we learn he is an unpredictable, easy-going touring musician named Bowie. He knew of Andi but didn’t know she was his daughter. So, the next day they have a father-daughter adventure that’s pretty heart warming and we see that unpredictability. Bowie also tries to appeal to Celia and succeeds as she previously found his presence distasteful, to say the least.

However, he begins to get to Andi as he ends up being surprisingly everywhere without warning, records everything, and embarrasses her. Bex tells Andi this is his way of trying to put himself into her life, trying to be a good new father, but Andi finds this almost suffocating. There’s a moment where she thinks he is invading her privacy and tells him to leave her alone, only for Bex and Andi find out that he was trying to make something special for Andi. She wishes to apologize but he’s already gone and regrets it as she drove her father away.

In the finale, he does come back into their lives, quitting the tour to be in their lives permanently. We get a part of the story of him and Bex and see the relationship rekindle in a way and the following morning she does confess that even if she loves him, she can’t trust that he will be dependable for her and/or Andi. Bowie wants to prove Bex otherwise in a way that will be interesting to see next season.

d) Andi and Jonah

Now this one along with Jonah and Amber is something that teaches valuable lessons in emotions and romantic relationships.

From the beginning of the show, we know that Andi has a big crush on Jonah Beck: cute, cool, and chipper. The three C’s if you will (i totally just made that up, yikes). Bex even does Andi a solid and get her frisbee lessons with him in the park and takes photos of them having fun. This moment is pretty happy until we learn about the snake, whoops, Amber.

Ultimate Frisbee is something Andi somewhat enjoys but she doesn’t love it as much as someone who would go after it as a sport like Jonah. She lets him convince her to join the team anyway and she thinks that this will be an effective way to get closer to Jonah.

Andi begins to realize that Jonah just expects her to do things for him without question. Additionally, he is too blinded by things he believes are important to him to even care or acknowledge what she cares about. This all leads up to her finally standing up for herself, saying how she only liked Ultimate Frisbee for him and quits the team. Jonah keeps trying to apologize but Andi says that’s her own fault for letting him think that she’d do whatever he wants. After Jonah asks if they could continue being friends, she poses the question: “Were we ever?”

I’m not making excuses but something tells me that he learned this from Amber rather actually doing this because that’s his personality.

This begins her Jonah-free life campaign where she feels much more liberated. However, with the turn arounds mentioned before, we know she still likes him.

I know I’m not the only one who has bent themselves over backward for someone you liked and that’s why this moment was really vital. I had done it for pretty much 3 years and I veiled it innocently too, with just an “everything’s alright” table cloth. But unlike Andi, I didn’t stand up for myself until high school drifted us apart and then I began just to cut them off because I couldn’t do it anymore. With them in my life, I felt like I had to change things about myself to satisfy them and I couldn’t grow as a person in the place and time where I needed to most.

(Also, I love how communicative the cast is with their fans. Joshua Rush literally interacts with his fans all the time on Tumblr and even took part in a fandom awards ceremony created by fans, which actually really warms my heart. It doesn’t even feel like he’s a celebrity, more like your very meme-y friend.)

All in all, this is a great diverse show which is really going to show a progression in our society. It has lots of heart and meaning, and totally worth watching. I was pretty upset when Girl Meets World ended but I think Andi Mack is doing things I wish Girl Meets World would have done and more.

Float In The Cyber Space!

Twelve Lyrics That Are Pretty Depressing

This might be weird but I am a massive fan of depressing songs. I actually live for playing those types of songs and feeling those sad emotions over and over. They really gut you and the raw emotion is something I can’t get over. So I present twelve lyrics that are pretty depressing and if you click the title of the song, it will take you to a YouTube link. These are in no particular order, by the way.

1.”And I’ll keep you a daydream away, Just watch from a safe place, So I never have to lose.” All Time Low – A Daydream Away from their album: Dirty Work

Ah, Dirty Work. The album that even the band didn’t like. Regardless, there are some gems on the album such as this one, which talks about how it feels to love someone so close to you yet far away. This line especially hits, with Alex telling himself to keep the love interest so that they can remain in his life. I could have put Remembering Sunday on here but this song’s more relatable to me right now. (however, it will be considered an honorable mention).

2.”I’ve got troubled thoughts and self-esteem to match, what a catch, what a catch.” Fall Out Boy – What A Catch, Donnie from their album: Folie A Deux

On their last album before their hiatus, Fall Out Boy addressed feelings of betrayal, depression, and other issues within society. What A Catch, Donnie has many guest vocalists on board and specifically addresses depression as the title refers to Donny Hathaway, a singer who committed suicide like bassist/lyricist Pete Wentz had also attempted to do while struggling with depression.  The first part of the lyrics depicts just that and “What a catch” is meant sarcastically as if anyone was to want to be close with him, what they getting is less than desirable.

3.”If all our life is but a dream, fantastic posing greed, then we should feed our jewelry to the sea. For diamonds do appear to be, just like broken glass to me.” Panic! At The Disco – Northern Downpour from their album: Pretty. Odd.

Fun fact: For a poetry analysis as one of the last Essays for Lit and Comp, I chose this song. I wrote over 10 pages about it, which in retrospect was maybe too much. The first line is reference to “Row, Row, Row Your Boat” giving the line a darker meaning. The rest of the lyrics here display the emotion of pointlessness, really asking the questions: Why do we associate material items with  quality of life and why do they matter if life is just a dream anyway? This is further illustrated by the view of comparing diamonds, something of high value, to broken glass, which is basically… nothing.

4.”On the outside, always looking in. Will I ever be more than I’ve always been? ‘Cause I’m tap, tap, tapping on the glass, waving through a window,.” Benj Pasek and Justin Paul featuring Ben Platt- Waving Through A Window from the album: Dear Evan Hansen (Original Broadway Cast Recording)

This song hails from the 6 Tony Award Winning Musical: Dear Evan Hansen. The musical addresses social anxiety, depression, suicide, and utilizes technology in the set in a totally unique and innovative way.  This song specifically talks about how badly our titular character wants to fit in but simply does not. He watches people living their lives but as you see in the musical, they ignore/don’t have time to hear him, making him feel lonely. And the fact that glass reflects and will only show himself back to him could inflict further feelings of loneliness. The glass also serves as a trap, depicting his isolation from society, that he wants to escape.

plus ben got a tony for acting in it that he totally deserved ❤ . (andrew rannells deserved a tony)

5.”What did I do to make you so cruel? I’ve got this ache inside my heart, I know that it’s you. What should I do now that I know that we’re doomed? I loved you most. And now you’re a ghost I walk right through.” Sky Ferriera – Ghost from: Ghost EP

The whole EP talks about relationships, depression, and jealousy and
this song tells of the aftermath of an abusive relationship that went downhill after “the honeymoon phase.” These lyrics speak about our narrator who has gone through so much to prove her love to her lover but at this point she’s given up on him and their love. Him being a ghost represents the lack of importance he holds to her now compared to before and how he only lives in the past memories.

6.”And the salt in my wounds isn’t burning any more than it used to. It’s not that I don’t feel the pain, I’m just not afraid of hurting anymore.” Paramore – Last Hope from their album: Paramore

Paramore consists of songs talking about growing up, moving on, heartache, and fears for the future but also love and just living. Part II (A sequel to the song Let The Flames Begin on Riot!) leads into Last Hope. The song is about feeling hopeless but still holding on the only thread that’s still keeping you alive. The first line talks about there not being any new pain, which can keep you looking up. The second line is saying that even though these recurring problems will always bring pain, but now there’s support to help through this as cited in the band’s LiveJournal.

7.”It almost feels like a joke to play out a part, when you are not the starring role in someone else’s heart. You know I’d rather walk alone, than play a supporting role if I can’t get the starring role.” Marina And The Diamonds – Starring Role, from her album: Electra Heart 

Electra Heart is a concept album following the titular character who portrays several societal/cultural female archetypes while also discussing issues in relationships. These lyrics discuss how Electra’s lover only wants her for sex, and while he’s with his main girl all the time, he’s with here behind the scenes, making her a side chick. However, she hates this status because she’s fallen for him (despite the fact that she knew his reputation) and insists on either being important or leaving.

8.”Don’t be dramatic, it’s only some plastic. No one will love you if you’re unattractive. Oh Mrs. Potato Head, tell me. Is it true that pain is beauty? Does a new face come with a warranty? Will a pretty face make it better?” Melanie Martinez – Mrs. Potato Head, from her album: Cry Baby 

Mrs. Potato Head is criticism of society’s way of putting everlasting youth and attractiveness in females first before anything else and also letting those traits have a value/quality of someone’s life in song form. In the first two lines quoted, society is talking to our narrator, trying to downplay the effects of plastic surgery. The following lines is in the perspective of Cry Baby who is asking someone, who has already gone through plastic surgery in a way to “better” herself in the eyes of society, about if she personally feels better and if this solution to feel better was a permanent one.

9.”No more white picket fences. No more lace veils or vows. No more, “You’re the only one” cause that’s all done with now. This is the last love song I’ll ever write for you.” ZZ Ward – Last Love Song, from her album: Til The Casket Drops 

This song was about a couple who were on the verge of marriage but for some reason the relationship broke down when the narrator believed that they were at their height of love. These lyrics especially talk about the dismissal of things the narrator believed would be in their future of love, even if they weren’t the marrying type (however, that line sounds more like an excuse for how things turned out rather than an actual fact).Yes, it might be the last love song she writes, but that doesn’t mean it’s exactly a positive one like the one preceding probably were considering how much they sounded like they were in love.

10.”Can we bring yesterday back around? ‘Cause I know how I feel about you now. I was dumb, I was wrong, I let you down, but I know how I feel about you now.” Sugababes – About You Now, from their album: Change 

I recently rediscovered this song because the Miranda Cosgrove cover (that I never knew it was a cover until recent) was on a throwback article of People magazine on SnapChat. Anyway, this song speaks of regret in relationship and how the narrator spent their time with the object of their affection, wishing for the better days to come back. The piano version really packs a punch, especially after seeing a clip of Hollyoaks (I was looking for clips and tripped upon it, I don’t watch it.) where Steph sang it at the funeral of her love of her life, Max, who was killed in a car accident trying to saving his child half-brother who was going to be ran over by Steph’s ex after their wedding. Damn.

11.”How do you soften the thought of carrying coffins? We were so alive, only to see us wither and die. Oh, why must soil run dry?” MisterWives – Coffins, from their album: Our Own House

This song is apparently about the deterioration of a friendship, however, it can also be taken to represent the end of any relationship. The lyrics above likens the waning relationship to a death and burying the relationship like one would a casket. The thought of this is depressing considering how much had gone into this relationship as also highlighted in the lyrics.

12.”I love it when you’re lonely. That’s when I feel the same. You come around, you let me down like California rain.” Betty Who – California Rain from her album: Take Me When You Go

You can really feel the emotion in this somber tune. From my understanding, it’s a song about these people who have such a rocky relationship. It comes and goes like California rain that is doesn’t happen often. In other verses, our narrator talks about times she’s felt abandoned or alone because of this lover. However, these lyrics do change from that to, “I love it when you’re lonely. That’s when we feel the same. I come around, and I let you down like California rain.”, the second time around and “I love it when you’re lonely. ‘Cause that’s when I feel the same. You come around, you let me down, my California rain.” the third time around. So she takes the blame of the rockiness of the relationship as well, I think, and then also does keep her feelings for him, when wishing for him to be lonely so she could have him again.

What song lyrics really depress you? I tried to include a spectrum of music genres that I listen to.

I’m considering doing a list of Twelve whatever on Tuesdays because the number twelve is never talked about and it’s more zany than like Top Ten, no shade towards anyone.

Float In The Cyber Space.